Category: personal

The following is the blog post turned script for episode 3 of Mind Overrun.

To start, as I alluded to in the first episode, I have a sort of fear of public speaking, good old fashion stage fright. This podcast is an exercise at confronting that fear.

Second, I am to be a father next year. With my wife and I expecting our first. I find myself in an introspective space. A place of vulnerability and potential. And I ask myself the questions I’m sure most first time fathers ask themselves. What will I teach our child? Will I succeed in being a parent and raise an intelligent and thoughtful individual? Will I be a cool Dad? 

So with these audio recordings I think about our child growing up and the probability of them becoming curious about what I “do” or what the possibilities are and in a realistic sense if I were to be struck down tomorrow or fifty years from now, at least there’s a small remnant of me left behind. In a way these episodes are for the kid, like lore notes or journal entries in a post apocalyptic video game. Because I know one thing for sure, all of our time is limited on this planet and you never know when your number might be up. There is no such thing as time to waste, nor time to throw away. And these words and the words I share with friends are here for posterity’s sake. For as long as there is a way to store and retrieve it. For the sake of always being able to hear my voice or read my words and feel the love. For however long that may last. Impermanence rules all but the chain of life runs forever.

I hope to continue creating after the initial months of our beloved newborn noob. I know I will lack sleep and have very little free time but as time passes I’m sure I’ll find new ways and adopt a newly evolved process. 

Time is the most valuable thing and love is the most precious. And with those two things you can find peace. Whatever I may find myself doing I will do so with the same love and attention. So, sure, not everything ever goes as planned but everything happens anyway and time ticks and our hearts beat the countdown to our final exhale. And as we ride the spiral we still share and relate. We still bond and create. We can still give meaning to everything close to us.

My process is one of play and exploration. One of mining the depths of improvisation and synchronicity in an attempt to capture or at least imitate the magic that is found. Iterations often follow, as a brief change in perspective can open other doors. So try things in different ways. Play but pay attention. And always hold sincere intentions.

To create is to wield the power of the divine. Harness the universal expansion to bring novelty and meaning into existence where there was nothing before. When I paint, or produce music, I feel as if I am part conduit and part conductor. A receiver of consciousness that translates into movement, the coding of life, of experience. Conjuring islands to sprout in the sea of impermanence.

Now that our greatest collaboration is on its way, I can’t help but feel that I now have more confidence in my choices, in my identity, in my power of will. Doubt and mistakes will never go away but my relationship to them has changed. My perspective has been altered. And with it, so too will my creative process adapt and survey new lands.

Check out Mind Overrun on Anchor.fm and Spotify. You can also find it through the Google Podcasts app and in a couple other places. Still working on getting it as wide a release as possible. On the podcast I talk with friends and people I know about interesting topics concerning inspiration, motivation and the occasional weird or funny things that float into our minds. It’s all a work in progress and I hope it finds its audience.

-L

Forging ahead on a forgotten path, nothing is guaranteed except nothing will last.
Perception changing like the sun crossing the sky, we can know how and we can ask why.
Our steps fade as do our laughs, in every fleeting moment its all we have.
Unity bound by cosmic rule, divided by time, combined in true.

Finally finding time to coalesce some photography, video, audio, words and ideas into their respective places. My poor back has suffered for a week due to my poor posture on the flight home from Florida. I just had to look out the window for nearly the entire trip. Watching the Earth below go from light reflecting waves of ocean and swamp into the rolling hills and hollows of home, as the clouds meandered and shrouded as they pleased. The evening job hasn’t helped much, but the coworkers have. I work with some wonderful people who can always make me laugh.

The new album has been growing into something really special. I’d say it’s somewhere near half complete. Most of the mixes are in a comfortable place and I’ll be coaxing out some vocals within the next couple months. Then it’s off to mastering, then out to the world.

As for art, there are some small things that have manifested, a couple paintings and drawings connected to the short horror story (Flayed In Exile) that I was lucky enough to have published last year in audio/podcast form for Hawk and Cleaver’s “The Other Stories”. While the short is only just a chapter in a larger story that lay dormant currently, the images reinforce the direction I’m going and hint at twists and turns I have plotted out, so I don’t know when or if they will be shared.

Other things that are bubbling to the surface as I begin to block out time for Spring weather activities and personal goals. Including a podcast of my own. Probably free-form format with smaller bits breaking up a fifteen to twenty minute conversation or monologue. Still bouncing ideas off friends and family. Still incubating.

There. I did it. First post this year updating visitors new and old about the connectivity sparking behind the scenes. It can be difficult sometimes to find a reason to update or blog, especially when I purposefully shy away from social media because I know how much of a brain-hacking time-suck it can be to me with little to no benefit. It’s hooked me before and can do it again. Instead I choose to give attention to that which I want to grow.

I try to limit my “scrolling” to no more than an hour a day, which distances me from the FOMO and other traps of an engineered algorithm tuned to keep the dopamine loops rolling for as long as possible. But sometimes with that distance comes a quelling of the urge to share things on here, my own little nook on the internet.

Till next time (which will probably be when the album is done), remember to give attention toward that which you want to grow. Cultivate discipline which will pollinate motivation and bloom as inspiration. If you fall out of it, rise again like the sun.

I am still. I am here.
–L

“finis coronat opus”

With the soft-launch of the Patreon page, the Estate, out of the way and as I pour more focus into my trilogy of short stories with NaNoWriMo in progress, I feel that I am in new form. I’m trying to change habits and double down on what I love to do. Allocating time and forcing myself to put in the hours even if I don’t feel “inspired”. I’ve multiple outlets for my creativity so sometimes focus is fleeting.

Some site updates:

-The inner workings of the site have been cleaned up, there were a few unused pages that needed deleted.

-The main menu now includes the “Collaborations” page with links to each of the collaborative myself or Neuron Dreamtime have contributed to.

-Site is connected to Google Analytics, so I’m just now learning this, it’s a little overwhelming. It’s something I should have done a while ago.

In moving forward, I plan to start a mailing list as an author in the future once the book is closer to being finished. I should probably do the same for ND sometime soon. Just trying to grow the audience with inter-connective art and gain those “1000 true fans”.

All of this as I try to zero in on what works for a small multimedia art business and what doesn’t. For a few months now I’ve been regularly tuning into and exploring the backlog of the podcast “The Creative Penn with Joanna Penn”. Her show about being an indie author and the journeys of independent publishing and story writing and creativity is absolutely what I was looking for when I went searching for podcast with information rich content and a motivational push. She has suggested amazing non-fiction for motivation and talks proper establishment of brand and goes in depth into the marketing behind the movement as an independent. I cannot praise her enough in helping to light the fire under my ass that will light my way into the future, the fire I so desperately wish to ignite. Not to be famous, but to come into one’s own, so to speak.

My hope is that those reading this, and that follow what I do, are at least somewhat inspire to pursue the things that bring them joy and explore the possibilities. Everyone is a conduit of creativity.

Self-doubt craters the path to fulfillment. Puddles of uncertainty splash amidst the trudging trajectory of creative pursuit. With talent and potential set aside, the fuel to push it further requires tenacity and forgiveness.

I’ve made certain changes in my relationship with my day(night)-job. It was a decision made with many aspects in mind. In these strange and exciting times I find myself drawn to, more than ever, the art of story telling and the discipline of self sufficiency. My personal story is at a crossroads of doing what is beckoning within my mind and heart and working within the confines of what has been decided by society of generations past.

Some projects stir the urge to show and share, to those that find it worth seeing, the how’s and why’s of technique and experiment. Additionally, some end results and final pieces can be achieved and realized from a level of community driven development.

In negotiation for a more flexible schedule I had to take a cut in my hourly wage. Capitalistic resurgence of time wasting in my duties and the climate of global health have enticed the creative, freelance side of me into action. Alas, to maybe make a small amount of supplemental income, I have signed up with Patreon. And in parallel, I have begun writing, seriously, my first short story. It is here that I wonder and fear what is next. Should I attempt mainstream publishing? An independent approach in crowdfunding and distribution? What hurdles await me in the world of writing other than the actual act of writing and all the editing that comes with it? I feel like I should approach it just like an independent Neuron Dreamtime release and take the brunt of the work needed. The Patreon project will not consist of one genre or even one medium. It will be a plethora of things in the long run but at the start it will seem mediocre. You gotta aim for the stars to get to the moon.

Blueprints are being drafted for a new phase of construction. A step into the realm of crowdfunding and subscription based content. Walls will be erected to house these oddities of the Dreamtime and the various media they animate.

To live a life of artistic pursuit and humble living is the wish I cast with every breath. I constantly remind myself that life is too short, the pursuit of money will not make you happy in the long run, and to follow your creative and curious heart is liberty. We take for granted every minute of every hour of every day. I am taking ownership of my life and bringing with it something to share with the world. I offer myself, who I am, to those who aim to reach something similar in these circumstances, something better, if even for a moment. I’ve always seen what I do as hobby(s) when I’ve wanted them to be so much more. I am not looking for fame. I am looking at the act of creating as my purpose.

So the Habitue Hypothesis is this: if I find it within myself, to approach my hobbies as a job, and the content finds an audience, I should be able to kick myself into high-gear and make some amount of supplemental income via supporters and collaborators. All the while, hopefully, fostering a sense of community within my audience.

As I mentioned earlier I have become extremely interested in storytelling and writing. I feel like it’s a common thread in that with each ND album I loved building the thing as a whole. The art. The words. All of it. And even in painting, there is a story somewhere. Anyway, this story I am working on is one inspired by Romero films and books like The Road. The collapse of society as we know it, brought about by this hideous plague. But, of course, I’m trying to bring my own flavor and formula to the table. I’ve had the blessing of honest and true friends who have helped me through the process, who have helped me battle my own self-doubt. I am eager to share what’s in store. More on that to come.

I would love to make a living via excreting my soul into creative projects. But alas, I tell myself to remain “realistic”, to not hold high expectations, to take it one step at a time. The current state of world health and economic hardships that many people are facing right now make it hard for me to ask for any kind of help, especially financial.

The Patreon page is not active yet but will be in the coming weeks, maybe days, after ironing out some roughness and trimming some fat. In this process I hope to establish a cohesive vision that will appeal to others and be an enjoyable experience.

I feel there is nothing to lose in attempting this prospective endeavor. Starting small with just one tier available at launch (three more are already blueprinted) but it will definitely grow as I settle in to the new grind and get a feel for the land upon which we will build as a community. At the worst, if it fails, I’ll be where I am at. And that’s fine too, I guess. Doesn’t mean I won’t try again.

TL;DR – I have a Patreon page dropping soon. Send me money to support my dreams and I’ll do my best to inspire and collaborate. Also, I am writing a horror story. More to come, as always.

-LRM

“Make Lemonade” by Neuron Dreamtime

Thirteen Palm Trees Podcast Productions have released the schedule for the next few episodes of the Wasted Local Talent podcast including the Neuron Dreamtime episode and seeing that it has been the customary length of time between posts here on the mother site, I’m back again with another peek into the labyrinthine Dreamtime neural network.

So mark your calendars, or don’t, I’ll remind you, November 29th is the day you’ll hear wise cracks, pop culture references, and may even notice how awkward I am during interviews. What I mean is that I’ve always been on the introvert side of the spectrum and the shyness tends to increase once the red record button is pressed. This sometimes results in bouts of internal panic causing me to forget what I want to say, get all mixed up and repeat things, say something dumb or downplay something. I will often let others steer the conversation and on some occasions I’ll clam up almost completely into a spiral of self imposed embarrassment. Of course this is not always the case for every situation as it’s different with people I know well or see often. I’m always looking for ways to change this about myself like doing interviews, taking on a more person-to-person responsibility at the money-job, and working myself up to do open mic standup.

So to prepare for the interview I assumed there would be a list of questions based on what was available online about myself and ND, so I thought about what standard interview questions would be; the origin, the influences, the tools, the philosophy, etc. I went so far as writing notes about ND and coming up with answers to anticipated questions. Upon meeting the hosts, when I said I was nervous, I was reassured that “it’s just a conversation” and to my surprise it turned out to be just that. But of course I was keenly aware that we were recording and instantly forgotten all the preparations I made.

Thankfully, Daniel and Jed were friendly and funny. Taking the pressure off of me by giving each other a hard time and cracking jokes in a way only friends can. I eventually felt very welcome in their studio, like I was a friend bonding over a shared sense of humor. In spite of my own anxieties, it didn’t feel like I was expected to act a certain way to fit their mold. It was our first time meeting each other and while I honestly don’t think they really looked too deeply into what ND has done or listened to many songs, I feel their intentions were genuine and well placed. They truly do wish to use their platform to help shed light on the talent out here in WV, no matter how popular or unknown. But because it may be too much to expect to familiarize themselves with ND when there is so much out there and relatively unknown to the point of near invisibility I can’t hold that against them. Alas, I am disappointed in myself for not being able to delve more into Neuron Dreamtime, into the origin, influences, tools and the philosophy.

Now it may just be a trait of being an artist but I usually find myself picking apart a piece of work. My own worst critic as the cliche goes. It’s the same when painting. Perfect is unreachable, unattainable but it’s also strangely imaginable. And I’m usually looking back on how things went and how they could have been better. An interview is something I’m not used to anyway. When making music or painting there is time to step away and collect oneself, even this blog post has taken me almost two weeks to write, to edit and reword as to better express myself. With an interview its limited and for the most part a one shot go with little editing. So I think back to all the missed opportunities to say more, to elaborate upon what ND is to me. Meanwhile there is always this site with its various pages and links for anyone wishing to peruse and discover what Neuron Dreamtime is. If anything, the podcast will bring a little more local traffic to this site and people can let the content speak for itself.

So as always, I tend to laugh at myself and accept that it’s just part of the human condition to be awkward. Life is so damn absurd sometimes you simply can’t take it seriously. You’ve got to stop and laugh often. Laughing and making people laugh is something I love to do as much as painting and recording sounds that resonate and express. I love to do these things and share them but there is usually hesitance on my part due to how I humbly view what I create, it’s not the greatest but it’s something. Maybe with clever editing the podcast will be coherent to me and I won’t sound so amateurish. Or maybe this is all just a case of me over thinking. It happens. In any case its sure to be entertainingly silly while doling out laughs.

I normally feel I don’t deserve any kind of spotlight other than the one I shine myself into my little corner upon the things I make. I just go at my own pace, do my own “thing” and I am aware that one persons “thing” can’t be appealing to everyone. I know this because I can see my minuscule, but totally inspiring, fan-base by way of statistics from this website, Facebook, Bandcamp, Youtube, and Soundcloud. I can see how many people read this, listen to what and click links. Honestly it surprised me that they accepted my application to be on the show. I almost didn’t seize the opportunity to apply in the first place because of my modesty surrounding ND. In some lights I feel it’s not worthy. It’s a testament to their willingness to help local talent be seen by bringing me on to inevitably bomb but be funny while doing it.

Self deprecating thoughts aside, I do feel that true success is relative and not measured by an objective abacus of wealth and influence. You set your goals, you achieve them, no matter how large or small they seem to other people. Find what gives your heart a beat, then dance to that beat. Then try to drown out your inner heckler.

These guys at Thirteen Palm Trees are just like that. They love doing what they’re doing no matter how odd it may be to others and they want to share their light with others. Overall it was a good experience, a positive one, for overcoming my shyness and stage fright and showed me that the podcast format is something I could get into and hope to do so in the future. Although I failed to elaborate on what ND is (sometimes even I don’t know) there is always this website and the future opportunities. I hope to be this eloquent next time I have the pleasure of sitting down, chatting and laughing with the crew at Wasted Local Talent about music, pop culture, and joking about Male pattern baldness and life.

Good people.

10/10

Will visit again.

-L

PS: You can find Thirteen Palm Trees and all their episodes on all major Podcast streaming providers. Below is the aforementioned schedule and be sure to check out their other podcasts: “Video Game Mythos”, “D&D, Kinda”, and “Gurus of Gaming”WLTlogo

13palmtreespro

When I began writing this the feeling was that of defeat. No matter how much I plan or prepare something will get in the way to let me know that the universe is impersonal, hostile and ultimately doesn’t care about the goals of a speck of dust. There are 1000 things I want to do and 1001 things I need to do. Sometimes its like I’m spinning so fast I’m about to shatter into a thousand pieces.

It’s been a rough few months, needless to say, no matter how well I thought I was prepared or how detailed the map laid out before me. This is life, thus is flux. Plans falling apart or postponed until further notice. Mechanical things failing. Roads disappearing and canyons appearing instead. Car dealers dealing. Missing friends. Mandatory overtime for months on end at the job that pays the bills. This sort of onslaught wasn’t necessarily a walk in the park, nor was it anything new, but as it turns out I am very good at hiding the struggle and trudging through.

I have always had trouble asking for help but never-the-less I am always grateful for the help offered by family, friends and neighbors. I am grateful to my loving wife for making me feel like a rockstar. Grateful to my family, parents and in-laws for their calming words of wisdom and support. I am grateful for every acknowledgement, kind word, and laugh shared by strangers, coworkers and the like.

I know that things could always be worse and that compared to most things going on in the world I have it made in the shade with lemonade and I’m able to promenade. So then I get bummed that I feel bad about my situations while so many others have it far worse. Depression is a tough gremlin to shake sometimes once it has latched on and everything seems to be stacked against. Just gotta persevere onward and adjust to new variables. The map is not the territory and the territory is in a constant state of flux.

So now, as I finish writing this, months later, for my partially neglected website, the variables have indeed changed again. Bought a fresher ride, with some hiccups. The driveway is now traversable, but not perfect. Overtime is ending and I am highly recommended for a promotion at work, just gotta update and apply my resume. The once postponed Wasted Local Talent podcast interview happens in just a couple days but I’m still nervous. And there are a couple opportunities opening up for things I’ve never done but want to do. One is to bring Neuron Dreamtime live in a collaborative freeform manner and the other is for me to address my love for comedy during an open mic night.

Hope to have more positive stuff to write about in another month or two but until then, flux this and carry on.

-L

Here’s an ambient improvisation from a couple weeks ago.